Twice is a Pattern

The end of my Texas graduate school time was approaching without the little 1-semester extension I needed to finish my Doctoral dissertation. I was waiting on the AF to approve it in the 2 locations required: AFIT Hq in Ohio, and the navigator career managers in San Antonio! AFIT's academicians approved it with no problem, but Randolph AFB (San Antonio) had to make their decision yet when I had to go on immediate emergency leave for a time-critical week or two. Raquel's brother, Rogelio, had just been killed in a car accident while driving to hunt deer in Colorado. His Laredo rosary/wake the day before his funeral Mass was attended by more people than had ever been seen before in that well-established old funeral home! The whole extended family was distraught. I stood in the front row with my wife (Raquel) and Rogelio's second wife, Soo-Lin, and the rest of Rogelio & Raquel's family of origin.

I don't remember for sure if Rogelio's first wife, DeeDee, attended but she likely came in the back with her daughter who was about the same age as my son, Ivan. Raquel and Soo-Lin were later discussing ways to get more of Rogelio's insurance money and estate for Soo-Lin & HER daughter so that Rogelio's first wife, whom Rogelio's family-of-origin had come to despise, could not get more than absolutely necessary . They were speaking quite openly in front of me so that I discovered, if Soo-Lin were to be pregnant (presumably, by Rogelio), she would be entitled to an extra share of Rogelio's estate (lessening the relative amount that DeeDee would be able to get.) It was quite clear that Raquel wanted me to know this fact. Soo-Lin didn't seem to mind talking openly about this either and said she didn't think she was pregnant, yet.

Raquel volunteered me to drive Soo-Lin to legal appointments and the bank that week to open Rogelio's safety deposit box and retrieve his insurance policies during the week after Rogelio's funeral. I thought it was only appropriate to help out driving & helping the family since I was there on emergency leave, and Rogelio had been my "best man" in our wedding, and he was Raquel's brother. But Raquel also seemed to insure Soo-Lin and I had a lot of occasions where we would be together taking care of probate business and would be unaccompanied for much of the time. Raquel, even more than most women I had noticed, was a very big "hinter" -- an indirect communicator suggesting things through innuendo or understatement that she wanted to happen. I, on the other hand, do NOT like hints or communication BY hints or indirect communication of any sort. (My attitude there would later be vindicated by another author in a major college course I taught in "Communication and Human Relations.")

I attributed the point of the hints to the desperateness of these two women who had lost a brother and a husband and were grasping at straws to hold onto as much of Rogelio as possible. I let the issue pass and never acted on it, but much has happened since then to help me confirm my suspicions. This was surely another of Raquel's plans to entice me into becoming a convenient sperm donor for someone I was not married to.

What other reasons Raquel had for me to become involved in this, I can only guess. This was a time long before I realized the large amount of illicit sexuality and incest that permeated Raquel's family of origin. But it is valuable to review old history in terms of later enlightenments to put things in clearer perspective. Years later, I was to find out one of Raquel's earliest memories would suggest a strange motivation to payback her deceased brother whom she remembered laying down on top of her when she was a very little girl in her bassinet.

So Why Bother?

Well, I am a truth-teller (almost compulsive about it). When people take advantage of me, it often seems to involve this truth-telling component which "sets me up" because of my extensive honesty. I was raised in a time and in families where being truthful was always very important. The essential difference in orientations toward truth between my now-ex and me is the most important issue which destroyed our marriage and good relationship even before we were married!

I recently read "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck -- it enlightened me significantly and let me see how people live lives chock-full of lies. I heartily recommend this book although it may disappoint you to realize that so many of the people who are lying are also evil! The lies are the basic symptom of evil. Dr. Peck was breaking ground through this new scientific inquiry into the psychology of evil, exploring & explaining the dark side opposing truth & honesty in human behavior. Much of the explanation involves the demonic and satanic "It" among us being real and having real effects on us. Peck had set out to disprove everything that he wound up finding & believing in the end!

But the reason to bother is great & significant! I found, in simulated P.O.W. camp before my Vietnam tour, it is EXTREMELY important and helpful if a person can tell his own story to just 1 or 2 people and have it accepted for the truth HE knows it is. When a person is sabotaged or scapegoated with and because of untruths (lies), he often has no clue what is going on with the lies. It is part of the intentional (conscious or unconscious) design of the saboteur. The intended victim of lies has little defense especially if maintaining his devotion to truthfulness. His only real defense against lies is to spike them with the truth -- even though many who already heard the lies will never hear that truth or change their now-prejudiced opinions.

From what I've seen, a liar hates the exposure of his/her lies -- they will reconstruct their memories significantly to support the lies or be consistent and self-accepting as justified in their having lied. A lot of mental twisting and mind-bending goes on in this realm. So, telling an accurate story of the truth bothers the liar & manipulator. That is part of the reason why one should bother. Another part is to be assertive and express their own reality having been caught in the web of a liar's manipulations and control-games. It reminds truthtellers that they are the real object of psychological abuse by a liar, and that the truthteller is really the one in the right! Truthtellers have the right to tell their story... to declare it to the world with outrage at the deceiver who prefers to manipulate in order to satisfy perverted control needs. Deceivers will try to convince truthtellers that the deception is really the truth; then, we can all become confused.

But confusion is a symptom that something is awry or missing, and needs further discernment. Discernment often requires patient waiting which disadvantages the truthteller -- the shallow world rushes on and grabs along its way what seems at the moment to be true. It is in too great a hurry to bother being SURE it has registered with truth. This must please the Father of Lies! (Which is another reason to bother!)

Still Crazy After All These Years!

Fast-forward a few decades from the last post and let me share some real-time crap from Raquel's still-crazy manipulative thinking and behavior. Now that I have recently gotten the half of my retired pay coming to ME again because Raquel did not follow the government rules she was supposed to (as I had told her was required), her gameplaying saga continues.

Shortly before Veterans Day this year, she appealed to me to make her a loan of $500 so she could catch up & pay her bills for September and October while she was waiting for her new job to start. I asked what happened to her inheritance (many thousands of dollars which SHE got to keep totally when her parents died only a couple years AFTER our divorce.) As her mother's cancer worsened, Margo probably warned Raquel to speed up her filing for divorce so that I would not be able to share in the inheritance. I didn't have a clue what was in the offing because of the secrets of that in-bred, incestuous family-of-origin. It was to be ME -- they were "offing" ME! Psychologically, emotionally, financially! Maybe, physically too. (Raquel was getting noticeably more anxious in those days, but not attributing it to anything in particular during our conversations. Clearly, I read it in her general behavior. But, again, denial is one of her favorite misused & overused psychological defense mechanisms.)

Without giving you too many different stories in this one post, let me return to Raquel's promise to pay me back $100/month as soon as she started getting a paycheck from her new job until the whole $500 loan was paid off. Note the reason I became convinced to lend it to her: Because both my adult sons live at her house now, all 3 were out of work at the time, and my sons would have suffered if she were unable to make her house payment or pay the other basic bills.

At least, I had the presence of mind to tell her, "You certainly have a lot of GALL to even ASK me for ANYthing after how badly and unfairly you have treated me before, during, and after the divorce. You have SOME nerve. But I will consider it and think it over, and get back to you." So I thought it over -- and to protect my sons who lived with her, I made her the loan. And, now, after at least 1 new paycheck she has received, she is acting passive-aggressively manipulative again -- same old leopard-spots! Just not putting the check in the mail as promised even though I reduced her first 2 repayal amounts to only $25 / paycheck. That amount is so low, only a habitually lying, manipulating. crazy person would not have sent it.

I am waiting, Raquel.... And making plans -- let's see: 1-Liens on her home, 2-Tell Ivan to get his meds money out of her $500 debt to me, 3-Report to the IRS AGAIN that she never paid her income tax on the alimony I gave her, 4-Report to the state that she never paid her child support to me for the 7 years I raised our younger son (Roger) alone. Perhaps also, some other "more drastic," but legal, means I have only begun to think of.

Suspicious flashbacks after the delayed revelation of Truth!
[PS: If anyone recognizes this story and can enlighten me about true facts, I would appreciate an eMail.]

After I returned from 'Nam, we went to Sacramento for my first assignment as an Instructor in Nav School! Early on, Raquel mentioned some middle-aged guy in the base library had been coming on to her when she was there with Baby Ivan to get some books to read to him. She passed it off as nothing but I told her I wanted to know & could help stop him if it happened again; I didn't hear anymore, but she DID go back to the library for more baby books.

Another time during my Instructor tour, one of my co-workers (Dave McDonald) was unexpectedly at my home talking with Nora indoors when I came home unexpectedly one midday. I think I may have been scheduled to fly but the flight finally cancelled after 3-4 hours after takeoff without getting fixed. I don't think Raquel or Dave ever gave me a good reason for why Dave was really there, but I made sure I showed him my gun collection before he left -- especially the pistol I kept loaded and handy! Neither of them had told me anything prior about their meeting, and it could not have been for a sponsor project because during my last 2 years in that assignment, I was no longer a class sponsor.

I didn't notice any other suspicious occurrence until 2 years later in Lubbock while I was on an AF scholarship for a Master' s degree in psychology. I also worked at the Lubbock County Mental Health Center providing counseling to finish off an internship to finish my OTHER Master's degree in counseling. But a Doctoral classmate named Dick Davidson had been studying with me from time to time at our house which was rather close to campus. (I should mention I had gotten approval from Texas Tech to press on converting my Master's program into a Doctoral program in hopes that AF would also approve it. I was taking double overload courses every semester in order to qualify and complete it in almost the same time that AF had already approved for the Master's!) After awhile, Dick seemed to be over at our house "waiting to study" a little too early and a little too often when I would be getting home from classes or my counseling internship. Dick also had become much more reticent in most conversations with me whenever we would have them on-campus. We didn't seem to have so many conversations anymore, either.

The second "university-tour incident" occurred at Rod Davila's birthday party as I recall Raquel telling me much later -- after we moved from Texas to Ohio. There was just a small group of 3 or 4 couples at Rod & Sue's and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. But Raquel told me years later (I think it was at the "7-year revelation" point,) that the tall Mexican-American lawyer slow-dancing with her had tried to feel her up repeatedly as they danced. That was Perry Alberto, a lawyer whose wife was a social worker at the county mental health center where Rod & I worked most days. I can't remember who was dancing with whom -- I'm sure I wasn't dancing with anyone except my wife since I am a virtual "non-dancer". It may be that I was in the kitchen talking with other guests or Rod or Sue while this sneaky lawyer-dancing was going on. I don't remember seeing or suspecting anything then. Raquel had finally started taking some classes at Tech so she certainly had other people as social contacts in her undergraduate classes. But this circle was more her own age -- I was 31, Raquel was 28, Sue was 26. Perry was a little older but his wife was like the rest of us.

It is even possible that Alberto had gotten a cue from Rod if Rod had had some contact with my wife that I didn't know about. I WILL say I have always been suspicious because of a COUPLE of times when Sue came over to catch me at home when no one else was there. Attractive Sue was not explicit but she gave very strong vibes that sure seemed to make it easy for me to come onto her if I'd wanted, THOSE two different days! Actually, I had to go out of my way to avoid it the more "obvious" time that something was up, and invited Sue outside into the backyard so I could examine house repair projects; I insured I stayed outside until I could bore her enough that she decided to leave. (Sue may have even invented the excuse of planning to meet Raquel there at the house as if intending to talk with her instead of me. But, even then, that would have struck me as a "likely story.") I'm sure both Raquel and Sue could tell I was very attracted to Sue -- even BEFORE I learned Sue had not given birth to her 2 adopted sons! But, against my prurient impulses, I behaved like a perfect saint and played everything completely straight & proper as if just one good friend visiting platonically with another! This remained puzzling to me for as long as I believed in Raquel's truthfulness with me and her basic innocence.

Sue & Rod and Raquel & I had gone out together a number of times & we enjoyed being mixed Anglo/Mexican couples and we associated with another Anglo/Mexican couple we knew from AFROTC. It occurred to me later that Sue's pair of afternoon visits could easily have been a set-up arranged between Raquel and Sue (and who knows who else) to assuage someone's "guilty conscience" -- perhaps, an equalizing for some misbehavior that Raquel had already been involved in. Perhaps Chicano misbehavior that someone thought allowed for some sort of rendezvous between Sue & me, the Anglos in the closest pair of friends. Or, perhaps, just a form of surrogate parenting with me being an unsuspecting surrogate sperm donor! Hmmm... This reminds me of a point for later -- when my brother-in-law was killed in a car accident soon after my earlier potential Sue-icide (but you'll have to wait to hear that one).

God only knows, for sure, what went on when I was in 'Nam.

I thought all was well and honorable at home with Raquel while I was gone that year. After all, we had been told by a doctor in San Antonio before I left that she was pregnant (well, SHE went in to talk with the doc -- I had to wait in the waiting room. This "privacy" shit goes too far, sometimes.) At least, I arranged the doctor's appointment and drove her to it from the San Marcos campus; I was with her because I didn't realize what a screwed-up manipulative untruth-teller she was and I thought we loved each other. This was a few weeks before Valentine's Day -- I brought her a little diamond ring for Valentine's hidden in one of the plastic roses on the top of the candy heart box. She ran off and took a bite out of every piece of chocolate inside the box expecting to find the ring; she had to come back and get more detailed directions on where to find it! We asked her folks to get married before I left for Vietnam but, because we didn't explain the shotgun nature of the situation, they wouldn't allow it (even though Raquel was 21 the previous November). So the day before I left for Vietnam (via Fairchild AFB Survival Training), we eloped to a few miles north of Austin and were married by the Acting Justice of the Peace at the courthouse in Georgetown, TX. I had military orders so I had to go!

Raquel's remaining semester at Southwest Texas State University was, understandably, not very successful academically. By semester's end she was really showing the pregnancy and had to reveal our elopement to her parents when she went home for the summer. I had gotten her a military dependent's I.D. card and had her on as my insurance beneficiary and registered as my wife with the AF so that she could use all the facilities including the base hospital at Laredo AFB while I was gone. I got letters from her almost every day I was in Vietnam; I also SENT her letters almost every day FROM Vietnam! I have no reason to believe she was not faithful while I was in Vietnam because she was busy carrying and having our baby, Ivan. At least, until October or late November after she had had the baby. We met on R&R in Hawaii around Christmas for a week, and then didn't see each other until my tour was over in March.

But who knows, for sure? You realize from my earlier post that I didn't suspect any lies, even, until she revealed them after 7 more years after this Valentine marriage on 19 February. I must say I am most trusting of her during this period because she WAS married to me legally (the J.P.) and she spent most of the time living at her parents' home until I returned from fighting the war. But you see what discovering SOME of her lies and deceptions at the 7-year point does to ANY of her credibility from ALL the time I have known her. All I can say is, probably, she didn't cheat on me while I was in Vietnam; but who knows, for sure? Maybe, not even her -- she is SO into the defense mechanism of denial that I have seen her mind-game herself into flatly denying reality numerous times.

Selected Psychological Questions
& T/F Answers of a 39-y.o. female

See what picture you would get if a person answered these particular questions in the unusual/atypical ways indicated below.
Think of what you would like to discuss with her to explore her experiences and what led to these answers.

[Distress & Depression]
I am easily awakened by noise. [T]
I am certainly lacking in self-confidence. [T]
I certainly feel useless at times. [T]
Most nights, I go to sleep without thoughts or ideas bothering me. [F]
I cry easily [T]
I am afraid of losing my mind. [T]
I feel anxiety about something or someone almost all the time. [T]

[Guilt & Suicide]
I believe my sins are unpardonable. [T]

[Ideas of Reference, Persecution, & Delusions]
Someone has it in for me. [T]
I believe I am being plotted against. [T]
There are persons who are trying to steal my thoughts and ideas. [T]
I am sure I am being talked about. [T]
Someone has been trying to influence my mind. [T]

[Peculiar Experiences & Hallucinations]
I see things or animals or people that others do not see. [T]
I often feel as if things were not real. [T]

[Sexual Difficulties]
I have never been in trouble because of my sex behavior. [F]
I wish I were not bothered by thoughts about sex. [T]

[Authority Problems]
I have often had to take orders from someone who did not know as much as I did. [T]

[Alcohol & Drugs]
I have had periods in which I carried on activities without knowing later what I had been doing. [T]

[Family Discord]
At times, I have very much wanted to leave home. [T]
I have very few quarrels with members of my family. [F]

[Somatic Concerns]
Often I feel as if there were a tight band about my head. [T]