Here's the real problem!
The real problem was caused by and is IN the secrets kept all through the premarital and early marital relationship between Raquel (mostly) and me (a tiny bit). Raquel played the near-virgin and led me to believe she had had only one sex partner before me; she played it as if that fellow was the ONLY serious boyfriend/lover before me. Of course, I could tell she had no hymen intact when WE had premarital sex so her "honesty" about the one partner (Alexander) easily guided my trusting self down her path of intentional miscommunication.
AFTER 7 YEARS INTO OUR MARRIAGE, she named 5 other premarital sex partners/lovers she had had which she had kept very secret all through 8 1/2 years of our relationship! Kept totally secret until I told her I could tell she was holding SOMEthing back & I would not agree to have another child she wanted when there were still secrets between us. I had a general awareness of SOMEthing, but I hadn't had any real knowledge about any specifics -- Holy Katz! Premaritally, I had revealed MY only secret (a family secret) to HER, and paused in the conversation for her to reveal HER secret info to me... which never happened for well over 7 years.
By then, she had me well-trapped into a permanent Catholic marriage. The Catholic Church is not blameless in this, either! First, because Raquel's 2 Laredo priests sanctioned our getting married IN THE CHURCH without our ever having the requisite & extensive "pre-Cana counseling" for Catholic marriages! Second, until the 1990's, there was no information made available to active, practicing Catholics (like us) about Catholic marriage annulments for invalid marriage contracts. Such annulments have been technically available for many, many, many years in the diocesan tribunal of each Catholic bishop in the USA -- but who knew?!
I had been trapped into the marriage and now I was trapped into STAYING in the marriage -- I could see no way out and still keep my sacramental ties to the Church. These were important ties & practices now that I was an adult; I had suffered teenage blackened eye and bloody nose and isolation from my mother's religion by my father who was anti-Catholic due to his Dutch-Calvinist Presbyterian upbringing. (A curious aside, here: Although he was so anti-Catholic, he was married to only Catholics during his lifetime -- 2 wives who had been raised as practicing Catholic christians!) By the time Raquel's later revealed secrets were out, BOTH of the priests who married us (Father E and Monsignor G) were dead -- I don't know why or how but it seemed unusual that even the YOUNGER priest of the pair had passed away! These priests had been confessors for her family members, I'm sure, and knew the score with Raquel -- they did us (especially ME) a great disservice by dispensing with our Pre-Cana. They would not have revealed the family confessions they had heard, but they were surely aware of problems to let surface during premarital counseling that would have averted the later divorce trauma we all suffered in this! I think they took the easy, dishonorable way out.
I must say, although he was a highly intelligent Air Force career officer & pilot, even my father's life did not always make good logical sense which must prove that he HAD emotions although seldom expressed them directly. And even that indirectness is a form of deception in itself, isn't it? The power that secrets hold is largely in their being held secret -- to rid them of their power, rid them of their secrecy! That is a big part of the method behind my madness in these writings; it also insures the truths you read as best I know to reveal them.
It is ironic that Raquel was revealing these 7-year secrets when she finally felt comfortable enough -- but they were the very thing that would drive us further apart! She had prevented my true informed consent about our marriage, a requirement for a valid marriage, and THAT is sufficient grounds for annulment in the Catholic Church! Not so much her sexual promiscuity and irresponsibility in light of her supposed lifelong Catholicism, but Raquel's lies, manipulations, and deceit through the secrets she had kept from ME. Of all people, I had a RIGHT to know there WERE secrets, and that fact alone would have provided sufficient informed consent even if she did not reveal the specific content of the secrets.
Even at the 7-years-married point, she had spoken as if she were revealing all her remaining secrets then -- but, I'm absolutely certain now, even THAT was not so. But when it began to break my heart, she did not go further to reveal more than those 5 other sex partners/lovers (some of which I found out later, anyway.) Just as well, I guess, but she should either have told me all before we got married or kept her mouth shut forever -- "Speak now, or forever hold your peace!" applies to ALL present at a wedding!
Here's the point: Believing that she was still a "near-virgin," I married Raquel to protect my son who was already growing in her womb. Even the Catholic priest says, "Who doesn't love a baby?" and I was protecting my baby; like I had not been protected myself before I was born. At age 24, I figured I would never find a woman who had had less than the one prior sex partner/lover like Raquel had let on. This near-chastity was "close enough for government work" as well as I could see at the time. And, although Raquel SAID she had been faithful to me while I was away at the 9-month AF nav school in California before we got married, I know differently now. I KNOW differently, and suspect worse!
Now, you MAY think, what's the big deal? But you should understand this all in the context of American mores & morality of 1962 when I graduated high school -- very different than today! Drugs were not in widespread use until after 1965! People did not live together without being married (a "shack-up" then was just a secret overnight or weekend period, not weeks or months). And you don't yet know MY tiny, innocent secret of the time: I WAS still a virgin when Raquel and I had had sex for the first time! But, the following year, I knew I had to have sex with at least one girl when out in California in order to provide for some minimally-acceptable masculine-self-respect -- making for a tie in the premarital "body count" between Raquel and me. HA! Little did I know!
The real problem was caused by and is IN the secrets kept all through the premarital and early marital relationship between Raquel (mostly) and me (a tiny bit). Raquel played the near-virgin and led me to believe she had had only one sex partner before me; she played it as if that fellow was the ONLY serious boyfriend/lover before me. Of course, I could tell she had no hymen intact when WE had premarital sex so her "honesty" about the one partner (Alexander) easily guided my trusting self down her path of intentional miscommunication.
AFTER 7 YEARS INTO OUR MARRIAGE, she named 5 other premarital sex partners/lovers she had had which she had kept very secret all through 8 1/2 years of our relationship! Kept totally secret until I told her I could tell she was holding SOMEthing back & I would not agree to have another child she wanted when there were still secrets between us. I had a general awareness of SOMEthing, but I hadn't had any real knowledge about any specifics -- Holy Katz! Premaritally, I had revealed MY only secret (a family secret) to HER, and paused in the conversation for her to reveal HER secret info to me... which never happened for well over 7 years.
By then, she had me well-trapped into a permanent Catholic marriage. The Catholic Church is not blameless in this, either! First, because Raquel's 2 Laredo priests sanctioned our getting married IN THE CHURCH without our ever having the requisite & extensive "pre-Cana counseling" for Catholic marriages! Second, until the 1990's, there was no information made available to active, practicing Catholics (like us) about Catholic marriage annulments for invalid marriage contracts. Such annulments have been technically available for many, many, many years in the diocesan tribunal of each Catholic bishop in the USA -- but who knew?!
I had been trapped into the marriage and now I was trapped into STAYING in the marriage -- I could see no way out and still keep my sacramental ties to the Church. These were important ties & practices now that I was an adult; I had suffered teenage blackened eye and bloody nose and isolation from my mother's religion by my father who was anti-Catholic due to his Dutch-Calvinist Presbyterian upbringing. (A curious aside, here: Although he was so anti-Catholic, he was married to only Catholics during his lifetime -- 2 wives who had been raised as practicing Catholic christians!) By the time Raquel's later revealed secrets were out, BOTH of the priests who married us (Father E and Monsignor G) were dead -- I don't know why or how but it seemed unusual that even the YOUNGER priest of the pair had passed away! These priests had been confessors for her family members, I'm sure, and knew the score with Raquel -- they did us (especially ME) a great disservice by dispensing with our Pre-Cana. They would not have revealed the family confessions they had heard, but they were surely aware of problems to let surface during premarital counseling that would have averted the later divorce trauma we all suffered in this! I think they took the easy, dishonorable way out.
I must say, although he was a highly intelligent Air Force career officer & pilot, even my father's life did not always make good logical sense which must prove that he HAD emotions although seldom expressed them directly. And even that indirectness is a form of deception in itself, isn't it? The power that secrets hold is largely in their being held secret -- to rid them of their power, rid them of their secrecy! That is a big part of the method behind my madness in these writings; it also insures the truths you read as best I know to reveal them.
It is ironic that Raquel was revealing these 7-year secrets when she finally felt comfortable enough -- but they were the very thing that would drive us further apart! She had prevented my true informed consent about our marriage, a requirement for a valid marriage, and THAT is sufficient grounds for annulment in the Catholic Church! Not so much her sexual promiscuity and irresponsibility in light of her supposed lifelong Catholicism, but Raquel's lies, manipulations, and deceit through the secrets she had kept from ME. Of all people, I had a RIGHT to know there WERE secrets, and that fact alone would have provided sufficient informed consent even if she did not reveal the specific content of the secrets.
Even at the 7-years-married point, she had spoken as if she were revealing all her remaining secrets then -- but, I'm absolutely certain now, even THAT was not so. But when it began to break my heart, she did not go further to reveal more than those 5 other sex partners/lovers (some of which I found out later, anyway.) Just as well, I guess, but she should either have told me all before we got married or kept her mouth shut forever -- "Speak now, or forever hold your peace!" applies to ALL present at a wedding!
Here's the point: Believing that she was still a "near-virgin," I married Raquel to protect my son who was already growing in her womb. Even the Catholic priest says, "Who doesn't love a baby?" and I was protecting my baby; like I had not been protected myself before I was born. At age 24, I figured I would never find a woman who had had less than the one prior sex partner/lover like Raquel had let on. This near-chastity was "close enough for government work" as well as I could see at the time. And, although Raquel SAID she had been faithful to me while I was away at the 9-month AF nav school in California before we got married, I know differently now. I KNOW differently, and suspect worse!
Now, you MAY think, what's the big deal? But you should understand this all in the context of American mores & morality of 1962 when I graduated high school -- very different than today! Drugs were not in widespread use until after 1965! People did not live together without being married (a "shack-up" then was just a secret overnight or weekend period, not weeks or months). And you don't yet know MY tiny, innocent secret of the time: I WAS still a virgin when Raquel and I had had sex for the first time! But, the following year, I knew I had to have sex with at least one girl when out in California in order to provide for some minimally-acceptable masculine-self-respect -- making for a tie in the premarital "body count" between Raquel and me. HA! Little did I know!
posted by Richard A at 7:08 PM
6 Comments:
What does the past have to do with the love you had for her? You loved her enough to make a baby with her... Why was her premarital sex so harsh when you engaged in premarital sex with her as well?
I agree that the secret should have been shared. She was probably very ashamed to tell you. I just don't understand how revealing her secret created such chaos for you. Remember what drew you together in the first place.
I've read more of you posts now and see that there were plenty of things to make you feel this way.
I'm sorry you had a bad marriage. I hope you can move on.
Thanks for reading more of my posts... Your initial reaction seems normal. I'm not sure anyone else goes to the extra trouble of reading on and understanding more like you have. Thanks, I think you understand more of what a real tragedy this was for about everyone involved in it. Because of the timing and ages involved, moving on for me means having to live with it and share the info with those who can stand it, and just share platonic friendships with as many others as I can.
There are critical periods in a lifetime after which one cannot "cut your losses," as another VN vet friend advised me to do when it was already too late. He's dead from suicide now, but I won't go that route; often, "winning" is just keeping on keeping on. And finding reasons to keep on. I tried my best to do my best.
hi
i would need your gmail account to send a private blog invite,
mine is traceykwhite@gmail.com
I'm reeeeally late to this blog (thanks for sharing the addy, btw), but... w.o.w.
Sounds like you went thru a real zinger of a marriage.
Hope the time that's passed has helped to heal old wounds for ya.
*hug*
Thanks, LIL BIT!
I doubt the wounds will ever heal cuz there is too much salt in them, and other people don't understand that I was married too long to "Just fugeed-abowd-it!" which works for THEM!
I DO enjoy the distractions now, of pretty women and flirting shamelessly, which take my mind off the fucking-asshole I was married to. At least, I'm not BITTER! LOL (Thanks for ur nice hug.)
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